


It's for science

by TransparentSheepDeer



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon: Devilman Crybaby, Diary/Journal, M/M, POV First Person, Possessive Behavior, Tags Contain Spoilers, Topic: Mental Health, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Relationships, short chapters until ch22
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-01-16 16:18:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 9,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18525130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransparentSheepDeer/pseuds/TransparentSheepDeer
Summary: Ryo decides to document what the demon does to Akira’s psyche and body. Writing a few words every day for a month sounds easy enough, but Ryo soon realizes that no matter how hard he tries, he just can’t keep the tone objective.





	1. Day 1

August 24, 2017

I am currently in the hospital. My leg is broken. I’m bored.

More importantly: Akira’s fusion with the demon was successful. His physique had completely changed – I barely recognize his face. His voice got deeper, he is taller, more muscular. Obviously, he isn’t used to the changes. People don’t gain sixty pounds of muscle overnight.

He has to be a lot more careful now – he had already broken a glass, pushed the Makimura girl so hard she almost fell down the stairs (apparently pushing each other in the hallway is something that they regularly do), and so on.

I know because he had visited me today and told me. He made me promise that if he ever started hurting humans, I would put an end to it. So his empathy and moral compass is still the same.

I want to keep track of his changes in this document. I plan to do it daily for authenticity.


	2. Day 2

August 25, 2017

Akira came to visit again. We left the hospital together. I asked Akira to go out with me so we could test his new abilities, but he said I needed to rest and declined.

We went to my place by the motorbike I had bought him. He told me he liked it, but that the Makimura parents are “kind of” not okay with me giving him such a gift. I told him that it didn’t matter, but he insisted that it did to them, which I assume means that Akira is fine with it. And if he is, then there is no reason to talk about it any further.

I haven’t had Jenny arrange the furniture properly yet, so I didn’t invite him inside, even though I wanted to spend time with him. To further the research, of course, nothing else. In return, I invited him over for tomorrow. Akira had nodded and told me to get some rest.

It’s... strange. Not what he told me, but how. Or maybe ‘how’ isn’t the best word for it.

He looks and sounds like a stranger. I guess I’m just not used to his new appearance yet. If the change had been gradual, I wouldn’t have such a hard time relating that body and that voice to Akira. Even though I know that it is him, I feel myself keeping a distance. Not to be mean, I just need time to get used to people. I hope it won’t last, though.


	3. Day 3

0826

Akira is a fucking idiot and I hate him.


	4. Day 4

August 27, 2017

It’s 2 am, so technically it’s already August 28, but I don’t really care. A lot has happened in the past 24 hours, and I need to write while the memory is still fresh.

First off, I wrote what I wrote yesterday because Akira had pissed me off. He had come over, brought food, berated me about not eating well, and then tossed me in the pool, despite me telling him multiple times that my cast couldn’t get wet. He didn’t care, and I had to spend four hours in the hospital to get it changed. Akira apologized, but I don’t get how he could just ignore my warnings. Also – who does he think he is to tell me how to live my life? If I want to live on calorie buddies, why couldn’t he just let me be?

Never mind, that’s unimportant.

Yesterday night, Akira had called me because the girl was missing. I didn’t want to help, to be honest, I only went because Akira claimed it may have something to do with demons. I’m 98% sure that he knew that was the only way to get me to help him, and I do kind of feel bad about it.

Akira turned out to be right about the demons, though. The girl had been possessed temporarily. Something to do with the photographer who took pictures of naked underage girls for a living. Apparently the girl had been offering photos for him, and went again, only to walk into a trap.

There had been two demons. Akira finished off one of them (the one that had possessed the girl), I the other. I didn’t see how Akira had done it, and he refuses to tell me because he’s sulking.

What had happened was that the demon in the girl had attempted to escape, and Akira chased after him. I, in the meantime, spotted several cameras in the house, which meant that the guy now had footage of Akira turning into a demon.

I got rid of him. Akira saw me, cried, and screamed. He didn’t care that I told him about the cameras, he insisted that taking human lives was bad, no matter what, and told me ‘not to play god’.

I guess I should have taken the hint, but no, I had to hold the gun to girl’s head, didn’t I? Akira yelled at me, head-butted me, and kicked me in the broken leg. Which was, I admit, a good tactic, but it had hurt like a bitch.

All this time, I thought Akira’s sense of morality was flawless, but now I have doubt. The man was a known for what kind of pictures he took, moreover Akira was upset about the girl voluntarily going to him, not to mention that he had evidence of him being a devilman, so I don’t get it – didn’t he deserve to die?

I asked Akira this, but he got so mad at me that he didn’t even let me give him a lift home. I can only hope that no one had spotted him.

\--

I almost fell asleep, it is 3 am, and Akira called me. I thought he was going to apologize, but I was wrong. He told me that he was still angry at me, that what I had done had been wrong. That didn’t stop him from asking me to manipulate the girl’s GPS, though. I’m not too happy about it, but at least it seems he gets that keeping his devilish side a secret is important.


	5. Day 5

August 28, 2017

(My laptop is taking forever to update, so I’m writing this on paper.)

I don’t know what to make of Akira.

I only got five hours of sleep, because he called me again around 8 am and asked me to go get his parents from the airport. I asked if he was still mad at me, and he told me he was, but that he wanted to talk about it.

I agreed to be at his place at nine. When he approached, he was all gloom and doom, even his tone was different. It was rather lifeless, not the usual cheerful, careless tone.

He told me that the girl was okay, she didn’t remember anything (which I highly doubted, but I didn’t voice it), and so on. I didn’t know what to say, so I let him talk. He told me an entire anecdote about how murder was wrong, blablabla. I didn’t really listen.

In the end, I told him that I understood why he was upset, but that the guy had been a threat not just to him, but to others as well. He, of course, argued about it, but I shut it down. What did it matter now? There was no way to reverse what I have done.

We didn’t talk that much after that. His parents were happy to see him, but not nearly as happy as Akira. They asked him a lot of questions and tried making some small talk with me, but I didn’t want to engage, so I kept my answers short. Sometimes, Akira answered instead of me.

~~I felt awful. They were all so cheerful. Why couldn’t I have that?~~

When I got them home, Akira thanked me, then they went inside.

I don’t think he takes this demon business seriously.


	6. Day 6

August 29, 2017

I asked Akira if we could go out now to test his body now, but he refused. “I’m with my parents, Ryo, I rarely see them.” Then why give them the chance now? If they almost never bother to spend time with him, why was Akira doing the opposite for them so religiously?


	7. Day 7

August 30, 2017

He didn’t come over today either. He asked me if I wanted to come over, to which I said no.


	8. Day 8

August 31, 2017

I didn’t call him today, in hopes that it would make him feel guilty and call me instead. It didn’t happen.

It’s not that bad, because I could catch up on work. If he doesn’t call me tomorrow, at least I will continue my project.


	9. Day 9

September 1, 2017

He didn’t call me.


	10. Day 10

September 2, 2017

Someone uploaded a video about a demon in the area where the girl lives. I called Akira, told him about it, and asked him to go and take care of it with me, but he outright refused.

I don’t get him. I really don’t. He's starting to really get on my nerves.


	11. Day 11

September 3, 2017

(On paper again, the laptop froze while saving the video I edited)

I gave in and went over to his place in the afternoon. I don’t know why he wanted me to. Didn’t he want his parents all to himself?

I asked him this and he told me he wanted me to get to know them. “They are important to me, I want you to know them,” is what he said, if I remember correctly. I asked if he cared about me and the demons, and he rolled his eyes at me and told me that people could care about multiple things at once. I almost laughed at him, but instead I only told him that maybe he should learn to prioritize. He looked like he was going to yell at me, but at that moment his father came, and asked us to come play a stupid board game with them.

I didn’t want to. His parents still remembered me from when I stayed with them, and told embarrassing things I did as a kid, and they laughed at me. I think they wanted to make me uncomfortable on purpose. 

I only spent two hours with them. I told them I had work to do.

Akira accompanied me to the car. At first I thought he was going to apologize to me for earlier, but no - he had the nerve to ask  _me_ to apologize to  _him_. I was so baffled that I just got in my car and left without a word.

I'm still fuming. It's been almost two weeks since his transformation, and he still refuses to do any kind of actually useful activity. I don't get why he agreed to do this if he wasn't going to commit.

\--

I thought about it, and maybe Akira’s thing for his parents is a pack-thing. Demons tend to travel in packs, as far as I observed. They don't have a need to spend time with another, though, or protect each other, they only tolerate each other for efficiency's sake. I wondered why I wouldn't be enough for him for that kind of thing, given that I know of his devilman status and others don't, but I don't know that yet. Maybe numbers were important, too - I'm only one person, his parents two. But there is no way I am going to try to befriend them, it would only be a waste of my time. Akira is the one who needs to change his attitude, not me.


	12. Day 12

September 4, 2017

My laptop fucking broke, and now all the edited videos I had done in the past two weeks are gone. Why couldn’t I fucking backup those ones too? I hate writing on paper, it makes my hand cramp.

Akira had the nerve to call me and ask me to go with him, his stupid family, and the stupid Makimura family to the restaurant. I hung up and turned off my phone. 

I can’t lose track of the important things, but I don’t know how not to when Akira refuses to help me. If I can't make Akira use his new body for the greater good, then I will have to do the work myself. That was the original plan, too - we were  _both_ supposed to become devilmen. I should have taken matters into my own hands long ago.


	13. Day 13

September 5, 2017

I went to a Sabbath party, and everything happened, just like last time, there’s blood, torn-off body parts, all the shit, and nothing. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for a goddamn demon.

It’s 1 am and I’m tired. I checked my feed, and saw that Akira had uploaded a picture of himself, his parents, and the Makimura family in the restaurant. ~~It looks~~

I’m glad I didn’t go.


	14. Day 14

September 5, 2017

Akira finally called me. Again, I falsely thought he was going to apologize, but he did not. He told me that something had happened, that he witnessed a demon attack. It also turned out that when I called him a few days ago to warn him about it, he thought I was lying. For a moment, I didn't know how to reply. He started talking about it, but I didn't listen, and asked him if he would listen to me now. He told me, in what I guess was his firm voice, that I should shut up, to which I responded by hanging up.

But I didn't leave it at that. I checked his GPS - he was in a hospital. I went to visit him, fuming, to tell him how stupid it had been of him to not listen to me, I had a whole speech prepared in my head. I almost hit someone while I drove.

I thought one of his friends or relatives got attacked by the demon, but I was wrong. It was him.

When I burst into the room, he was alone (which saved me some of my dignity). He looked at me, tired and angry at once. I didn't let him control me, though. I strode to him, and asked what had happened.

His head was bandaged, along with his left arm and leg (which will make it really hard for him to use a cane).

He told me to get lost. I asked: "Why did call me, then?" He said: "I did call you, but I sure as hell didn't ask you to come here."

I would have argued with him, but then his parents came into the room (apparently they had left for snacks). They were happy to see me, for some reason.

Alright, that's not true. They were happy to see me because they thought I was there to show Akira how much I cared about him. Which struck a nerve in me. Because I did care about Akira - after all, he was the only one I could trust - but what I did just now, the way I talked to him, was proof of the exact opposite. In conclusion, I was in the wrong. Which is fucking annoying.

I stayed with them, and attempted to be polite with them. Made small-talk. It proved to be the right thing to do, especially because I found out that they hadn't seen the demon.

I wanted to leave with the parents, but Akira asked me to stay a little longer. I did. He told me that he appreciated that I stayed and was "not an asshole for once". I kept my mouth shut, even though I wanted to reply to that. He then told me to visit him tomorrow too, so we could talk. I agreed to it. He seemed to be relieved.

I only hope we can finally continue to do my plan, because there is already a huge delay in it.


	15. Day 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're halfway through the story! Thank you everyone for reading this far! :)

September 6, 2017

I’m currently in the hospital with him, writing on a small, uncomfortable surface. Akira is okay. We spoke. He told me he would help me, but only if I stopped "hurting" people. I agreed to it, but I don't think I can keep that promise. Akira can't properly judge these things.

I asked him to tell me more about the attack, but he told me everything had been foggy and he hadn’t seen the demon.

A doctor (or nurse) came a while ago, and was quite surprised at Akira’s state. He was recovering quickly. So quickly that it shouldn’t be possible. I bought his silence, so it’s not going to be a problem.

It’s not good that he had gotten injured, but at least his demon side helped him heal. I asked him about that, but he told me he didn't want to talk about it. When I clicked my tongue, he added: "It's not like I know how the fuck this works, anyway."

He isn't making this easy for me.


	16. Day 16

September 7, 2017

Akira got to leave the hospital today. He had asked yesterday if I wanted to go to the nearby park with him, and I said yes.

I didn’t know why he asked. He said he just wanted to talk. I asked: "Hadn't we talked enough?" to which he replied we could never talk enough. Whatever.

He asked me why I had been so – and he made a gesture – weird lately. I told him it had been because he had been stupid, and that he had risked his life by not learning about his strength. As a response, Akira started crying and hugged me.

“You’re scared.”

It wasn’t a question, it was an observation. He had presented it to me like a fact. When I told him that I wasn’t, he only held me tighter. I didn't know what to do with that, so I waited until he let me go.

His empathy still works, to a certain degree. It’s hard for him to feel empathy for me. Because after that, he asked me if I’ve been eating well, and I told him yes, and then he asked if I had consumed anything else from calorie buddy, and I said no, and then he threw his hands in the air and yelled “Ryo!”

I tried to explain why I only consumed calorie buddies, but he kept interrupting and berating me. He wasn't listening to me at all, he just needed to feel superior by telling me how much better he knew what was best for me.

It was weird to hear this bullshit from his mouth. Other people always told me these things, most of the time in a condescending way, and even though Akira smiled during saying them, it still ~~hur~~  pissed me off.


	17. Day 17

September 8, 2017

It’s 3 am again and I’m kind of drunk. Akira had come over and he left about ten minutes ago. His parents flew back to who-knows-where, I didn’t listen, and he came over at like six, and he brought two bottles of margarita mixes (who knew they were a thing) and we drank it on the terrace. It’s his birthday, and he came over to apologize, or something. Not like I was mad at him.

Akira is a laughing and oversharing drunk. He told me every single thought he had. We laid on the floor, and Akira once rolled over and almost dropped into the pool. I had to grab his shirt to pull him back, which then resulted in him getting really close to me. His face touched mine, and his body was really warm. He kept laughing and wheezing. He made me feel really warm... On second thought, it was probably from the alcohol.


	18. Day 18

September 9, 2017

I got a new laptop, but I have gotten used to writing in my notebook, so I'll continue writing on paper.

He came over today again, but I had work to do, so we didn’t talk too much. He had work to do, too, anyway.

When he got bored of trying to solve an equation, he did something weird. I put my hand on the couch to take a small break from work and think about what I should do next. In that moment, I felt something touch the back of my hand. It was Akira – his fingers started stroking me.

I looked at his face, but he seemed rather absent-minded. I wasn't sure whether he meant to do that or not.

Before I could ask what he was doing, he snapped out of it and apologized - he hadn't noticed he was doing it.

I quirked an eyebrow to express that he hadn't explained himself well enough, so he added: "I'm kinda overly affectionate ever since I merged." He paused to rub his neck, "I mean, I've always been affectionate, but like, sometimes I think I overstep boundaries."

I asked, "Why are you only telling me now?" He said it wasn't relevant until now. I reminded him that I was trying to keep track of his changes, and that keeping this kind of information to himself could be fatal, but he just said it was really personal, and I couldn't expect him to share everything. I disagreed, but I think I only managed to make him even more closed off about the topic.

At this rate, I will have to stalk him to get any kind of accurate, uncensored information. I hope he makes up his mind though, because that would be a lot of work to do - and after all, who knows if the cameras that are installed in his room could be of any help.


	19. Day 19

September 10, 2017

Akira came over again. And he asked me really personal questions, which I didn't appreciate too much. He asked everything I hated to talk about, like if I had other friends beside him (I do not, but I told him they just weren't as close to me as he was). When he heard that, he got sad, and... oh, I hate when this happens, but he told me that I should go out more and try making friends. As if he were the first one to tell me that. When I told him that a) I have tried it several times, it did not work, and b) I wasn't interested anyway, he insisted that I shouldn't give up and I should try again.

Which resulted in an even more horrible occurrence - he invited me to one of his friend from high school's party. And I, like an idiot, said okay. I mean, I only realize now that it was a stupid choice, at the time it seemed reasonable, because Akira told me we could go out and test his new abilities afterward, but obviously, we will not go to investigate, but I was stupid enough to fall for his reasoning.

I started writing in the first place to keep track of his changes, and now I am writing about my own personal drama. I can't believe myself. I mean, not like Akira is of any help - whenever I ask him questions about the changes, he replies with a variation of "Uhhhhh... I dunno", but when I ask to measure him, or time him, or anything like that, he refuses.

Akira is the only tolerable person on this goddamn planet, but somehow even he manages to get on my nerves.


	20. Day 20

September 11, 2017

~~To say that I had an awful time would be an understatement.~~  

I expected this to be a party where there are so many people that you can barely get from one room to another. Instead, I was met with about 5 people. Which meant that they knew each other, AKA everyone knew everyone but me.

Akira fucking invited me to a close friends' party.

I have a hard describing what I did because I didn't do anything. To be honest, it would have been better for me to sit in a corner and check my Twitter feed. I didn't talk to anyone. ~~I wanted to, but~~ the moment it turned out this was a friend group thing, all my motivation went down the drain.

Akira had fun. Of course he had.

They played some kind of board game again. I don't know what's up with Akira and board games. But while they had the time of their lives, shouting at each other every time someone rolled a 6, I was considering how to lose so fast that I had to leave.

They talked to each other. ~~It didn't matter that I was there, I don't think it would have made a difference to them. I can't believe Akira did this to me. Being lonely is one thing, but getting invited out just to be ignored is another.~~ They were all so fucking boring.

At some point, I excused myself by saying I was going out for a smoke (and I really hoped no one would say they'd join me). I took too long outside, because I couldn't decide whether to leave and send Akira a text or to go back and continue ~~not enjoying myself~~ being bored to death. Anyway, Akira came out to check up on me, and we started talking. Arguing, I mean.

I think his sense of empathy is broken. He accused me of being awkward and closed off on purpose. He just kept going on and on and on and on about how it was all my fault and that I wasn't even trying. "Why don't you talk to anyone," he kept asking. I told him I tried, but he rolled his eyes at me. When I snapped that I don't have a clue what I was supposed to be talking about, he just said, he fucking said, "Just talk!" As if I didn't fucking think of that, you goddamn-

I realized this is not important at all, and that I should be writing on my laptop. I make too many mistakes on paper.


	21. Day 21

September 12, 2017

Nothing noteworthy happened today.


	22. Day 22

September 13, 2017

I'm not sure whether I noted this anywhere else, but Akira has a greater appetite - logical, as a body like his would need a lot more fuel than the average human.

He mostly eats meat - he said he was slowly developing a hatred for vegetables. I warned him that crossing vegetables and fruits from his diet would be incredibly stupid, unhealthy, and life-threatening, but he shot back by saying "It's still better than calorie buddies." I paid him no mind and told him that if he wanted to keep his teeth, he would have to continue eating vegetables.

He also mentioned that sometimes he was so hungry he thought about eating animals he saw on the street. I asked him to elaborate, but he didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks,  
> currently there is a lot going on in my life and I don't have the time or energy to write & post things. I'm not sure when I'll be posting again, so this story is on hiatus for a while. Especially because I'll have finals for the next 1,5 months or so, so I really won't have the time to focus on this story.  
> Thank you for your support for this fic, and thank you for being patient with me!


	23. Day 23

September 14, 2017

As much as I hate doing this, I realized that only writing one paragraph of Akira's changes without context is counterproductive. I can shorten it later, but I'd rather have more unnecessary information than accidentally leave out something important that I forget about later.

There is something that Akira hadn’t told me about the demon: sexual desire. I found out the... _hard_ way. I slept in Akira’s room (I spent the evening at their place & slept over, but regarding my research, nothing happened, so the details of my time spent here are unnecessary), and... well, there’s just no going around it: he had a wet dream, which resulted in him having to clean his ceiling. And bed. And floor. I woke up to a drop of it on my face. It wasn’t pleasant at all.

Akira had apologized, face burning furiously, and basically shoved me out of his room. Important detail: I only have boxer briefs on, and Makimura (the girl) came upstairs at that exact moment. She obviously had to make an effort to look me in the face, and asked me if Akira was awake. I told her yeah, and then she left, and now I am writing this in my phone. That was the only thing Akira handed me over when I knocked on his door and asked for my clothes. What a fucking asshole. I'm sitting in front of his door and I'm freezing. 

\--

I had to wait for Akira for another thirty minutes. I don’t know how he could clean up without ever going to the bathroom for, I don’t know, water, or something, but he managed to make his room look decent. I'm clothed now.

I tried asking him about it, but he pretended to not know what I was talking about, and told me that “it wasn’t a big deal.”

\--

It _was_ a big deal, and he had lied about it.

It’s around 3 am now. Akira showed up at nine at my place. He didn’t come through the door, he flew here, and knocked on the glass door. He almost gave me a heart attack, and if I had had a gun by my side, I would have probably shot him.

I let him in. He came closer and hugged me, but it felt more like he collapsed into my arms. He started crying, and told me he almost hurt Makimura. I didn’t know what to do. I thought he came over to hurt _me_ instead of the girl.

I asked what he wanted me to do. He froze. I realized he had misunderstood, and I added that I wasn’t offering him _that_. He didn’t reply. I really don’t know how these things go, so I asked if he wanted to smoke a cigarette with me. That didn’t last long, though, and he didn’t want to mess up his lungs too much. He had a running event soon, after all. He asked if we could watch something on TV, so we watched some documentary of cats.

He sleeps over tonight. I offered him to sleep in the same room as me, but he refused, because he “couldn’t trust himself”. I would have let him sleep in my bed, but he insisted on sleeping on the couch.


	24. Day 24

September 15, 2017

Akira, when he woke, was a lot calmer. I don’t know why, but he had gone out before I woke, bought stuff, and made breakfast. I don’t know why Jenny had let him, after all it would have been her job to do that, but I guess Akira had been insistent.

He came upstairs to me and woke me at around ten. He startled me a bit. I told him to get lost, but he only laughed, and told me he “liked my bed hair”. It was annoying. 

On second thought, I think Akira had asked to help Jenny cook, he couldn't have done all that alone.

Anyway. I asked why he did this, and he said to make up for yesterday. Judging from his face, he also meant that time I woke up to cum landing on my face.

After Jenny left, we were the only ones left, so I thought it was a great opportunity to finally talk to him about this demon business, to set up a schedule or something.

He didn't want to hear about setting up a schedule, so instead I just told him about an upcoming event - namely, his track event with that guy, Moyuru. I explained to him what I wanted to do. He had some objections, of course, but I could convince him to go along with it.

I also tried getting answers out of him for some of my questions - about his sleeping habits, what he ate, and so on. So I'm asking him these questions, one after the other, and for once he finally,  _finally_  tries to answer them, and I'm taking notes on my laptop, and I'm trying to figure out how to write down everything he says.

When I get to the part where I ask him about the sex and sexual desire, he starts squirming and stays silent. So I ask again. And he says, "I don't want to talk about it". And I say, "Given the circumstances, I think it's time you do". And he says, "But it makes me uncomfortable". And I say, "If we don't do something about it, it will get out of hands, so tell me about it." He still stays silent, so I ask him the next question so he could calm down, and asked him about it again later.

This time, he gave me an answer, though not right away. He kept rambling and stumbling over his words for some time, but then eventually he explained me that he was afraid of himself, that it was becoming harder and harder for him to distinguish the demon's thoughts from his own, especially when it came to sexual desire.

I reassured him that he was okay, but he didn't calm down, and went down a spiral. He started hyperventilating and talking down himself. I'm not good at comforting people, I didn't know what to do or say. Then he started crying, and as a last resort, I hugged him. It was a total guess on my part, but that actually helped him.

He asked if he could talk about it. I said he could. I'm not going to repeat what he said because it would be too long. The point is that he is scared of himself, of his potential to hurt people. Turns out, the reason he refused to test his new abilities so stubbornly was because he feared that he would lose control for just  _one_  second...

He kept asking me, "Am I a bad person, Ryo?", but even though I kept repeating that he wasn't, he wouldn't believe me. He said: "I want to hurt people, Ryo", and I said, "But you don't". He sobbed, "But why do I want to do it so bad?" I didn't really have an answer for him. I said it wasn't  _him_  who enjoyed those things, but he just kept rambling and sobbing and talking down himself.

It took me a while, but somehow I could persuade him to calm down. Mostly by hugging him and letting him cry it out.

But we have to do something about his rage. This is not an appropriate coping mechanism.

I let him go, though. He thanked me, and promised me to keep me updated if anything happens. I hope he meant that. It was about time that he started cooperating with me.


	25. Day 25

September 16, 2017

(I have entirely forgotten to mention this here, but I got my cast taken off about two weeks ago.)

Akira came over unannounced. It was embarrassing, actually, because I didn't expect him to show up, at all. I am  _not_  going to describe what kind of clothing I was wearing, but fuck, I'm never wearing that again.

He didn't even show up at a decent time, no, he knocked on my window at around seven AM.

After I let him in (and changed), he sat me down, and asked: "Do you consider yourself a bad person?"

I wanted to strangle him for waking me up for  _this_. "What kind of question is that", I asked instead. He said, "According to you, I'm a good person because I'm not acting on my fucked up thoughts. So if you do act on yours, does that mean that you think of yourself as a bad person?"

I still didn't get why he was talking about this. From the sound of it, he seemed... worried about me, I think? When I asked why he was asking, he just said it was out of curiosity. I shrugged and said no, I didn't consider myself a bad person. Is that all he wanted to know? He said, "But don't you want to talk more about this?", and for some reason, I talked about it with him.

I explained to him that every great deed needed sacrifices. He said, "Man, do you even know how fucked up that is?", I said, "Of course I know, I don't live under a rock." I repeated the thing I have told him weeks ago: that an enemy that didn't play by the rules couldn't be defeated otherwise. Reluctantly, he agreed.

Then, out of nowhere, he asked: "Is that why you don't try to make friends?" I stared at him. "How did you come to  _that_  conclusion," I asked. He said: "Well, if you're not sure if you can trust people, and you like, also don't hesitate too much to kill strangers, it would only make sense for you to avoid making friends to not have to kill them if they turn out to be demons."

I told him that he got it entirely wrong. He quirked an eyebrow, "Which part?" I explained that it wouldn't matter how close I was to someone, if they stood in my path, then I would still get rid of them. He asked, "Even me?" I said, "There is no reason to expect it from you."

I added, "Humans make friends for the benefits, to get a job by calling in a favor or to ask for resources and information, and not everyone is useful in that kind of sense, it only makes sense for me to not want to befriend useless people." He said, "The benefit is friendship, you dingus."

I laughed at him, and said that was not how it worked - people only wanted to be "real" friends if the other person was entertaining. Akira looked at me as if I had said something stupid. He said, "That's not real friendship, Ryo." When I didn't say anything, he asked: "Are you only friends with me because I'm entertaining?" I said, "No." I would have added that we are only friends because our fates are tied together, but I sensed that if I said that, he would break all contact with me, and I couldn't let that happen.

That prompted him to ask: "Why are you friends with me, then?" I said, "You are an exception to the majority." He said, "That doesn't make sense. Lots of people are like me." I said, "No. They aren't." He asked, "What's the difference, then?" I said, "You have low standards when it comes to friends."

He just stared at me. I thought he was angry and would suddenly leave me (and possibly not contact me for a few days again), but instead he said, quietly, "You don't think you're good enough, do you?" Before I could reply, he trapped me in a bear-hug and sobbed into my shoulder. He kept rambling, but I didn't understand what he said because he was crying so hard.

I... don't know why I've written all this down, or how this behavior of Akira is relevant to my research. I'm not even sure if this kind of empathy is from his human or demon part. I know demons don't have feelings, but I think he kind of... over-analyzes mine. Maybe empathy is harder for him since the merge, and he tries to compensate by coming up with bullshit ideas like the ones mentioned above.

He didn't confirm this, though. When he wasn't crying anymore (but still tried to suffocate me and break my ribs with that hug), I asked if this kind of empathy was a new thing. He said something like "Of course not! I'm crying because you're so sad that you won't even admit it!"

I don't really know what to do with him. He wants me to talk about "my feelings", but I really don't want to. It would be a waste of time. Not like I had anything to discuss, anyway.


	26. Day 26

September 17, 2017

Akira and I went out tonight to exterminate demons. FINALLY.

While Akira fought off the demons, I recorded him so I could analyze the data and his fighting style later - it is important to know if his aggression is his own, or if it comes from some demonic instinct. Anyway, that got him to accuse me of not helping at all. When I retorted that I was helping him by figuring out his changes, he laughed at me and said "it was just a joke". It didn't feel like it was, though, and when I made a face to express that, he laughed at me again. I don't like that he does this.

When we got in the car, he said, and I fucking quote: "Have you considered putting a GoPro on your head and helping me out like that?" Then he saw that I was _really_ tempted to stop on the highway to push him out of his seat and just leave him there, so he added: "What, it's a great idea. Are you worried that it would mess up your hair?", and then he ruffled it. While I was _driving_. It was distracting and dangerous, he managed to block my view for a few seconds. When I hit his arm away and explained this, he sighed as if he had any reason to be upset.

I didn't talk to him after that for a while.

Akira declared sometime later that he was starving, and asked me to stop at the nearest McDonald's. There, he ordered not one, not two, but three burger menus. Not at once, he kept going back. That annoyed the employees a lot. I didn't want to eat anything, but then Akira couldn't eat his last portion of fries, so I took care of it. He grinned at me for that, which made me realized I have been tricked into eating. I can't believe that his solution to me not eating "well" is making me eat junk food. Seriously.

He talked to me about unimportant things like how he was doing in school, and what he did with his friends. He asked me about college, but I said these things were insignificant.

He, for some reason, frowned at me and asked, "Why do you keep pushing me away?"

I stared at him as a response.

His frown deepened, and he said, "Ryo, I'm worried about you. Are you okay?"

I frowned back. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"You're constantly in a bad mood, you don't talk to me, you don't talk to other people..."

"I can't afford to lose track of our mission," I declared, "I can't just drop all my research and work in favor of meeting people I know I won't like."

Akira did not appreciate that answer. "Is there anything in your life aside from that?"

"Aside from what."

"Aside from this demon business. Aside from me. Is there anything or anyone else in your life?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "I don't know what you're trying to prove, but I'm fine. In fact, your questioning is bothering me."

Akira stared at me for a long time. I guess he either didn't know what to say, or he was trying to figure out if my words had an underlying meaning.

Then, "I don't believe that you're fine. But if you can't talk about it right now, that's okay. I just... I just hope you know that I'm here for you."

I didn't reply.

He made it weird. We didn't say anything on the ride to home. Before he got out, he gave me this, weird kind of smile, it was like he was trying to 'heal' me with it, or something, it was just really weird and it made me uncomfortable.

I don't know what Akira's deal is. I don't get him. Why does he keep insisting that I need anyone else? I'm perfectly fine with him as my only companion. Even more, it actually bothers me sometimes that he ignores me in favor of his _other_ friends. If I had other friends too, we wouldn't meet as much, and our relationship would be devalued. I don't want that. 


	27. Day 27

September 18, 2017

I was tired because of last night, so I woke up at around 11 AM today. Strange thing is, Akira called me about an hour later, and asked if I wanted to get coffee with him and his friends, Kuroda and Makimura.

I declined it multiple times, but Akira would not let me stay at home. He insisted that I had a problem, and that made me realize if I didn't agree to go, he would conclude that I had serious issues. Which I obviously do not have.

At the café, it was really loud. I usually wear something to defend my ears, but if I had done that this time, I would not have heard what the others were saying, so I had to tolerate it.

The two girls were smiling a lot at me, but I had a hard time returning it. I don't like smiling - it takes so much energy to do it. And I didn't know them enough to care about constructing a facade.

Akira and they talked the most, and though I listened and followed their conversation, I didn't say too much. I felt like I was a silent observer, not a participator. I mean... that has always been my role, so I'm used to it, but Akira specifically said that he wanted me to engage with other people. It's not that I didn't want to - I do engage with other people if I have to. It's just that I don't really know what I'm supposed to be talking about.

They talked about things they were familiar with, like school, mean teachers, and so on, so of course I couldn't say anything. To be fair, now that I think about this, I don't even know why they invited me if they only talked about things I didn't know anything about. How am I even supposed to contribute anything to the conversation if they do this?

I don't get why I even agreed to this. I wish I had stayed home.


	28. Day 28

September 19, 2017

I don't why I thought it would be a good idea to do this, but I listened in on Akira's phone. He had it with him when they were having lunch.

They were talking about me. I mean, not entirely, but they talked about me too.

It started with the parents asking, "So how did your day go yesterday?", and then the girl said, "We hung out with Kuroda and Asuka in the café, we talked", and then the parents asked Akira about me, specifically why they didn't meet me yet or something, and then Makimura said, "Well he seems like a very closed off person." Akira said I wasn't closed off, I was just shy.

I'm not shy. I'm not. I just don't like people. That's not the same thing.

But even if I was there, I don't think I would have said that. In fact, I don't see a difference between me listening in on them through my phone and actually being there. I don't say anything anyway - so what exactly would be the difference?

It was weird, though. It seems that they talk about everything. I do not. I don't see a point in sharing every single thought I have - most of them are gone by the next day, there is no point writing everything down if it won't develop into a constant in my life.

I also heard them talk about going somewhere today. Just to test it, I called Akira and asked if he could come over. He said no. He didn't specify why, though, not even when I asked. He just said, "No." He should have elaborated, though. I ought to know about his life now that we're in this together.

As a compensation he offered to come over tomorrow so I could test the substance I made for Moyuru. I reminded him that he should have done that whether or not he could meet me today, but he got irritated with me and threatened not to do it at all. I asked if he really was going back on a promise, and that did the trick - he stopped protesting.


	29. Day 29

September 20, 2017

Did my experiment succeed? Yes.

Is Akira so mad at me that he probably won't help me execute my plan tomorrow? Also yes.

The liquid worked just perfectly.

Akira ruined some of the experiment. He seemed to not understand that he was not supposed to have his mind elsewhere - he kept trying to prove I had some mental issue again. "You are lonely, you are depressed," yadda yadda yadda. Thankfully, my work preoccupied me enough to control myself and not yell at him to stop.

The liquid only worked on the third try, though. First, Akira's transformation/aggression could only be triggered by pornographic content. I didn't leave enough time for him to recover, and the second try exhausted him too much for him to actually use his powers. After a break, he drank the liquid again, (I modified the substance with each version), and this time he transformed without any outside triggers on his own. The effect took about 15 minutes.

After this, though, he started questioning me again.

"Why are we doing this to Moyuru?"

"Are you sure this will help us?"

"Won't he hurt someone?"

"Won't he hurt himself?"

"What exactly are you trying to achieve, Ryo?"

I explained to him that he didn't need to know, he only needed to go along with the plan. This answer did not satisfy him, of course. I further explained how this would lead to the demons being exposed, but Akira said I could do that differently too. When I asked how, he shrugged and said, "Well, _somehow_!"

I remember counting to three before answering. "Akira, there is no other way."

Akira spread his arms, "Why not? Why can we only keep ourselves safe if we hurt others instead? Why can't we just love each other?"

I stared at him as if he was stupid. Because, let's be honest, that idea  _was_ stupid. "If humans can't even bring themselves to love people different from them, how the hell, do you think, will they tolerate demons? Or, even better: how do you expect demons, a species thriving on lust and aggression, a species that doesn't even know of love, to tolerate humans?"

Akira kept insisting that I was wrong. I wasn't, of course. I told him to quit his childish behaviour, but he just kept going on and on and on.

"What the hell are you talking about? This is not going to help us at all! This is going to get people scared - and you know damn well how people act when they get scared! We can't just unleash all of this without a, a plan, a solution!"

"Our plan is to eradicate the demons who are a threat to our very existence," I countered, "and that is _not_ something people should take lightly. If we share our knowledge with the world, everything will fall into place. Don't you see it?"

Akira got angrier. "All _I_ see is that you are full of shit."

I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hit him _so bad_. Especially when he went on.

"I want to believe - I wanted to believe that somewhere deep down, you were a good person," Akira growled, "but the more time I spend with you, the less and less compassion you have left for anyone but yourself."

Oh, that got me angry. " _I'm_ selfish? You are the one who keeps prioritizing your, your stupid family and your stupid morals over the important things!"

"Why the fuck do you think that family, love, compassion and empathy are not important?!"

"Because it makes you forget about everything else!"

_"That's the fucking point!"_ And he was crying when he said this. "That's the point, Ryo!" He came closer to me, he wanted to give me a hug. "The point is feeling loved, feeling hopeful, feeling _human._  Why can't you... why can't you see that our strength lies in our bonds with other people?"

He was dangerously close. He tried to hug me, but I stopped him. "How can you believe any of that bullshit? How can't you see that that mindset will get you killed?" Akira wanted to counter me, but I went on: "You _need_ me Akira. You can't protect yourself because you trust too much."

Akira just gaped at me, and shook his head. "No, Ryo. _You_ need _me_."

And then he left me alone.

I don't get how he can be so entitled. To think that _I'm_ the one who needs support - how ridiculous!


	30. Day 30

September 21, 2017

Today has been... _eventful_.

Jenny drove me to the stadium. Coincidentally, Akira arrived at the same time. I wanted to go talk to him, in hopes he had forgiven me and would go along with my plan, but then I saw that he was not alone. His parents and the Makimura family were there with him too.

I pretended not to notice them and turned away as quickly as I could.

Akira noticed me and jogged over. "Ryo."

I did as if I hadn't seen him before. "Akira."

Akira smiled at me - I took it as a good sign at first. "Why don't you come and talk to us? I told Mom and Dad you would be here too, they're eager to meet you again."

I doubted that. "No," I said. "About Moyuru-"

Akira groaned. "Ryo, no. I'm not doing this. I'm going to enjoy this day, not ruin it."

"Fine," I growled, "then I'll do it on my own."

Akira gave some response, but I whirled around and went for the entrance, so I didn't hear him.

It took forever for the race to finally start. Moyuru drank the water I've given him. Everything went according to plan - he transformed, every channel shut down but mine, I exposed the demons to mankind.

In the late afternoon, Akira came over to my place. Some part of me expected it, but I was still surprised when I saw him. Then I got angry, because he was being stupid again.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

I stared him down. "Have you come to your senses finally? Do you see that I had been right all along?"

Akira threw his arms in the air. "How can you only think about this? People have  _died_ , Ryo!"

I shrugged. "A small price to pay."

Akira got so close to me that he spat on my face when he spoke. "Would you call it a small price too if it had been someone you knew?"

I leaned away from him. It was hard to do, because I didn't think of standing up from the couch when he arrived, so I was trapped. "No," I said, "everyone can be sacrificed. It's no big deal."

"No big deal!" Akira snarled, "No big deal, he says!"

"It's called progress!" I shouted, losing my control. "You're just too naive to see the bigger picture."

"What bigger picture?!"

He leaned back enough for me to get up too. Despite his growth spurt a month ago, I was still taller than him - a fact I used to my advantage. "Now that everyone knows about the demons' existence, we can start fighting back. How can you not get that?"

Akira's lip curled. "Fight back? How? You yourself said- it was  _you_ who fucking said we can't even tolerate each other, and now you're preaching about humanity working together?"

I laughed in his face. "Weren't  _you_ the one who told me that our bonds made us stronger? Or do you suddenly not believe it anymore?"

Akira gaped, out of arguments, and I went on: "There is no point in trying to go the other way anymore, Akira. It's either us, or them."

I extended a hand. I don't usually do things like this, but I wanted to make the gesture for him. "Join me. Together, we can win this war, Akira."

Akira stared at me, then at my hand, then at my face again. He started backing away, shaking his head, still gaping like a fish, and I knew it was over. He wouldn't come. He had decided against our victory.

"I'm not done with you yet," I warned, following him, "you can't just bail whenever you feel like it."

Akira was... he was horrified. "I'm not your property, your dog, or your experiment, Ryo. I'm your _friend._ Why is it so hard for you to see that?"

"Don't friends stick together?" I asked. "You're the one being difficult."

Akira didn't say anything else. I thought he had given in, that he had seen his errors, that he had decided that I was right.

Because of this, I couldn't stop him from transforming and just, fucking flying away.

I'm...

I'm stuck. I don't know where to go from here. I mean - regarding the demons, I'm confident that everything will turn out okay.

But with Akira...

I'm angry that he did this. I'm so _fucking_ pissed off.

But I don't know how I'll get him back.

I know he won't come on his own, but I don't know how to _make_ him come back.

Before, he was so easy to convince. He didn't rebel, he didn't talk back, he didn't question me.

The transformation was not meant to make him like this. He was supposed to only become strong, not change himself.

But I don't regret making him like this.

Of course I don't.

If I hadn't, he wouldn't survive what is about to come.

...but what does that matter if he is not by my side?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has not started out with this ending being in my mind. This was supposed to be a fluffy fic... but to be 100% honest I'm happy with how it came out in the end.
> 
> This is one of my first times of trying to keep crybaby Ryo in character, and it was hard, but a lot of fun too. I really wanted this to feel more like canon content, so I focused less on Akira's and Ryo's romantic feelings and more on them being just friends (or frenemies, whichever applies at the moment). I wanted to make ryokira happen in the first draft, but it would have required too much character development for Ryo in very little time, it was impossible to do that believably.
> 
> I didn't want to shy away from depicting Ryo as a horrible person. I _did_ want to make him sympathetic at times, but I wanted to stay closer to canon. He had so many opportunities in the story to get out of his vicious cycle where he gets everything that he wants, where he only considers himself, where he doesn't care about anyone but Akira (but not about Akira's _feelings_ ), but he never tries to better himself, to get out of this cycle. I also watched a lot BoJack Horseman and read a lot about irredeemable characters, so I really wanted to try writing with that in mind.
> 
> tbh I mostly share this because I like talking about my fics, and I also like it when other writers add their own interpretation & behind the scenes facts lol. this is also the literal first time I actually finished a multi-chapter story and I am pretty satisfied with how it came out. 
> 
> I loved writing this story, and I hope you enjoyed reading it just as much ❤️ Please consider validating me by leaving kudos & comments! Even if you let me know in a few words (or emojis) that you liked it, it means a lot to me!


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